‘You didn’t see many Rockettes of color when I was growing up.’

Freeport

“Rockettes wasn’t something I ever thought about doing. You didn’t see many Rockettes of color when I was growing up. At the time, they were trying to diversify more. They were having workshops geared toward minorities. I went to these workshops where you learned the precision dance styles and eye-high kicks and I was like, I can really do this. I auditioned a few times and always got far in the process but never quite got the job. After a couple of years, I had moved on to the commercial dance world, I was dancing in movies and TV. But then I came around to audition again and finally got the call. I ended up dancing with the Rockettes for 5 seasons, from 2006 to 2010. It was one of the highlights of my career and it was definitely the hardest job I had. The precision it takes to do that style takes a lot of rehearsal and you have to think about things in dance you’ve never thought of.

I had many people tell me I would never be a professional dancer, that I didn’t have the facility for it. Being strong and knowing what I want to do has carried over in everything I want to do in life.

“I’ve had the time over COVID to focus on what I want to do. I love dance. I love sharing dance. I love mentoring. I wanted to focus, as they did with me, on introducing the world of Rockettes and the world of dance to minorities and young dancers and show them that this is a career you can pursue. That’s been my focus. I want to develop a program where I can encourage dancers of color on Long Island. I’m trying to get dancers that are young to create a funnel of talent to keep feeding the Rockettes.

“I always say the greatest lesson about dance is that you learn discipline and perseverance. That crosses over to everything in life. You can’t have a career in dance if you don’t like to work hard and put in the work. I’ve had that be part of my life since I was 3 years old. I was never a natural talent. I had many people tell me I would never be a professional dancer, that I didn’t have the facility for it. I’ve been told I don’t have the pretty European look. Being strong and knowing what I want to do has carried over in everything I want to do in life. That lesson of being able to push through and get what you want — that has been the ultimate lesson.”

‘I felt my soul went into the wrong body. But now that it’s in harmony with the way that I think, it just makes more sense to me.’

Freeport

“One of the misconceptions about people who are transgender is that it’s a lifestyle choice. I laugh inside. A lifestyle choice is I’m going to move to Manhattan! This is not a choice. It’s not a psychological disorder. This is being authentic. It’s just who I am in the spectrum of all that is possible in being a human being. My brain thinks one way, my body is another, and I can change the body.

“At the age of three, I instinctively thought I was a girl. My mother one day just said, ‘You know, you gotta take that off. That’s not your dress. You’re a boy.’ When she told me that I wasn’t a girl, I said, ‘Well, when will I be a girl?’ She said, ‘You won’t.’ And that broke my heart.

“I quickly learned how to behave so that I was accepted. You learn how to do that throughout your entire life to the point where, when I finally said that I’m going to transition in my mid-forties, people said they were surprised. And I said, ‘Really? I’ve carried this with me my whole life.’ I did a great job of blending in and keeping it quiet—but it ate me up inside.

There are many things that you can do to shape the way a child behaves. You can’t shape them innately knowing who they are. A child knows who they are.

“When I was younger, I had no role models. This was the seventies. You wouldn’t go to the library and pick a book out on it. There was no internet. There wasn’t even the term transgender really, I just always knew I’m a girl trapped in a boy’s body. I tried to kill myself when I was 15. I didn’t know how to stifle who I was and how to continue that throughout my entire life. It’s only nowadays that we’re really listening to children when they tell us this. I wonder how many children that weren’t listened to many years ago are no longer here with us?

“I had wonderful parents. They didn’t recognize this any more than I did. As far as parents today, I can say this: There are many things that you can do to shape the way a child behaves. You can’t shape them innately knowing who they are. A child knows who they are. You’re not going to shape them away from that.

“I felt my soul went into the wrong body. But now that it’s in harmony with the way that I think, and the way that I feel about myself, it just makes more sense to me. I think what I would tell my younger self is that it gets better. You get to be you.

“Aunt Barbara was an explosion of everything that I kept inside of me my whole life. Aunt Barbara was a release of all that pain I carried with me. And I think getting rid of a lot of that pain allowed me to say, you know what, I’m going to transition. Transition is one of the hardest things you can do. It is physically, mentally, emotionally difficult to do. People have walked away from me in my life. People that I’ve loved have walked away. A wise friend once told me, ‘You will be too much for some people…those aren’t your people.’ And that’s how I get through my day.

“I’ve had instances where people have treated me not so nicely outside. The underlying dirty look, the look away, that sort of shunning. Then there’s the microaggressions where it’s like, ‘Here’s your change, sir.’ That happens to me. If you’re not tolerant of someone’s differences you don’t have an open forum to be aggressive because it’s something you don’t understand. But the minute I call people out on it in a very respectful, professional way, I have a huge fan base of people who come right to my side.

“When the pandemic hit, I started doing an online show every week. It’s anything and everything. I’ll do a Tupperware party one week. It’s a talk show. It’s movie reviews. It’s interactive. And people from all over the country are tuning in. I have a whole new following. And there are people that have met each other. There are people that are in relationships because they bonded over watching the show. People look forward to it and they accept me for who I am.

“They went through my transition with me. I came back from the hospital where I had reassignment surgery and I had gift baskets, pajamas, slippers, robes—you name it. This place was filled with flowers and goodies. A really supportive group. And they love Aunt Barbara for who Aunt Barbara is. Cause she’s a part of me.

“When I put the camera on and I go live, the first thing I see are their comments coming up in the feed, and what I see is, ‘Hello family!’ That’s the first thing. They all know each other. It’s getting more and more people, and they consider themselves the Aunt Barbara family.”

Interviewed by Jay Max

‘My great grandparents had a bakery in Costa Rica and I grew up with my mother baking cakes as a little girl.’

Freeport

“My great grandparents had a bakery in Costa Rica and I grew up with my mother baking cakes as a little girl. I started my baking business at 30 when I was living in Tennessee with my first husband. I wasn’t as good as I thought I was and had to refund money and there were a lot of tears. I talked to my mother and she inspired me, she sent me whatever she had left of her baking tools. To this day, I have four of the spatulas she gave me. After my divorce, I moved back to New York and I was working odd jobs and I ran into my current husband, my brother’s childhood best friend. We met up, it was supposed to be a causal dinner among friends on a Tuesday but it lasted 6 hours and ended at my dining room table over a bottle of wine looking at my old pictures of cakes and he was like, ‘Why aren’t you doing this?’

I always wanted to stay at home with my kids and work from home. I wanted to raise my kids myself and this allows for that.

“From that night, we were inseparable, and we were married four months later. We had a baby right away, I quit my job at Bloomingdale’s when I was pregnant because I was having trouble with the pregnancy. I had five miscarriages until I had my first child. I’m OK with it; God doesn’t make mistakes. Now I have two natural sons and one bonus son I had the privilege to help raise. I wanted to go back to work and my husband was very adamant baking was my gift. It became hectic with small children and my Mom was living with us. Hurricane Irene came and wiped our house out, we rebuilt and then Hurricane Sandy came and wiped our house out even worse. We had to gut and redo the house again. He went to his parents a block away, they had a split house and two kitchens and said, ‘Do you mind if she works out of here?’ I have been working out of there since 2013.

“I always wanted to stay at home with my kids and work from home. I wanted to raise my kids myself and this allows for that. I can always reach out to my mother and my sister for advice, like how did you make this icing, I remember the flavor being like this. And the business, Bella Latina Cakes, is still growing. It’s really hard if you don’t have family support, it’s not impossible but boy it makes a huge difference.”